ベスト厳選英語ジョーク: ジョーク de 英語
Deep English: Joke de English
Joke Categories / ジョークのカテゴリー
サイトで100点以上の英語ジョーク＋日本語訳ご紹介していましたが、05/2020、サイトのリニューアルに伴い、旧ページから更に、選りすぐったジョークをご紹介。のんびり、旧ページのジョークをコンパクトにまとめる予定ですが、まずは、それぞれのカテゴリーから1-2点ずつ、ピックアップしました。
Relationship - Man & Woman
I told you so.
A man driving down a road.
A woman driving up the same road.
As they pass each other, the woman leans out of the window and yells, "PIG!!"
The man immediately leans out of his window and replies, "B*TCH!!!"
The man rounds the next curve, crashes into a huge PIG in middle of road and dies.
(Thought for the day: IF ONLY MEN LISTENED...)
Posted originally w/JPN translation on 05/2007
男と女の微妙な関係篇
言ったでしょ。
ある男性が道路を車で走っていると
同じ道を反対側から女性が車でやって来る。
すれ違いに女性は窓から身を乗り出し叫んだ、「豚!!」
すぐに、男性は窓から身を乗り出し、叫び返す、「バカ女!!!」
男性が次のカーブを曲がると、道のど真ん中にいる巨大な豚に、車は衝突、男性は死亡した。
(今日の見解：男がちゃんと女の言う事を聞いてればね～。)
ʅ（‾◡◝）ʃ
Men
Crossing the river w/the help of God
Three men were hiking through a forest when they came upon a large, raging violent river.
Needing to get on the other side, the first man prayed, "God, please give me the strength to cross the river."
Poof! God gave him big arms and strong legs and he was able to swim across in about 2 hours, having almost drowned twice.
After witnessing that, the second man prayed, "God, please do give me strength and the tools to cross the river."
Poof! God gave him a rowboat and strong arms and strong legs and he was able to row across in about an hour, after almost capsizing once.
Seeing what happened to the first two men, the third man prayed, "God, please give me the strength, the tools and the intelligence to cross the river."
Poooof! He was turned into a woman. "SHE" checked the map, hiked one hundred yards upstream and walked across the bridge.
Posted originally w/JPN translation on 11/2004
ターゲットは男性篇
神様の助けで川を渡るには
3人の男が森をハイキング中、激流の荒れ狂う大きな川に行き当たった。
川の向こう側へ渡らなければならず、最初の男は「神様！この川を渡る強さを僕に与えて下さい！」と神に祈った。
ブーン！神様は彼に立派な腕と力強い足を与えた。彼は2度ほど溺れそうになるものの、2時間位で、見事向こう側へと渡った。
それを見ていた2番目の男。「神様！この川を渡る強さと道具を私に与えて下さい！」と神に祈った。
ブーン！手漕ぎボートと力強い腕と足を神様に与えられた彼は、1度転覆しそうになるものの、1時間程で向こう岸へと渡った。
最初の2人の様子を見ていた3番目の男。「神様！この川を渡る強さと道具と知能を俺に与えて下さい！」と神に祈った。
ブーーーン！神様は彼を女性に変えた。「彼女」は地図をチェックし、100ヤード(91.44m)程上流に向かって歩き橋を渡り歩いて向こう岸に渡った。
Woman
Changes by Age
What's the difference between women at ages of 8, 18, 28, 38 and 48???
08 - You take her to bed and tell her a story
18 - You tell her a story and take her to bed
28 - You don't need to tell her any story to take her to bed
38 - She tells you a story and takes you to bed
48 - You tell her a story to avoid going to bed
Posted originally w/JPN translation on 08/2002
ターゲットは女性篇
言ったでしょ。
8歳、18歳、28歳、38歳、48歳、それぞれの年齢の女性の違いは？？？
8歳 - 彼女をベッドに連れて行き、お話を聞かせてあげる。
18歳 - 彼女を口説き、ベッドに連れて行く。
28歳 - 別にベットに連れて行くのに口説く必要がなくなる。
38歳 - 彼女が口説いてあなたをベッドに連れて行く。
48歳 - なんとかベッドに行くのを避けるのに説得する・・・。
Sex
The Penis Study
In 1997, Harvard funded a study to see "why the head of a Penis was bigger than the rest of it."
After one year and $180,000.00, they concluded that the reason the head was larger than the shaft was to give the man more pleasure during sex.
After the US published the study, Yale decided to do their own. After $250,000.00, and 3 years of research, they concluded that the reason was to give the woman more pleasure during sex.
Mississippi State, unsatisfied with these findings, conducted their own study.
After 2 weeks and a cost of around $73.45, they concluded that it was to keep a man's hand from flying off and hitting him in the forehead.
Posted originally w/JPN translation on 09/2003
セックス篇
ペニス研究
1997年、ハーバード大が「ペニスの亀頭部分が他の部分より大きい理由」を調べる為の研究資金を出した。
18万ドル（約1,944万円：1ドル108円）を費やした1年間の研究の末、「軸」より亀頭が大きいのは、セックスの最中に男性に「より」快楽を与える為であるという結論を下した。
この研究結果を公表後、イエール大は独自の研究を行う事にした。25万ドル（約2,700万円）と3年の研究で、彼等はその理由を、セックスの最中に女性に「より」快楽を与える為であるという結論に達した。
ミシシッピー州は、これらの研究結果を不満に思い、自ら、調査[研究、観察]を実施した。
2週間と$73.45の観察で下した結論は、男性の手がパッと外れて、自分のおでこにその手がぶつかるのを防ぐ為である、という事であった。
Marriage
Before & After Marriage
A young son asked, "Is it true, Dad, that in some parts of Africa, a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?"
Dad replied, "Son, that happens in every country."
Posted originally w/JPN translation on 06/2006
結婚篇
結婚前と結婚後
「パパ。アフリカの一部の地域では、男性は結婚するまで自分の奥さんを知らない、ってホント？」と少年に聞かれた父親は答えた。
「息子よ、そりゃ、どの国でも同じだよ。」
Family
Kids Short Jokes: Balls
A Three-year-old little boy was examining his testicles while taking a bath.
"Mom," he asked, "Are these my brains?"
Mom answered, "Not yet, son."
Posted originally w/JPN translation on 03/2005
Little Johnny Gets a "F" in Arithmetic
Little Johnny returns from school and tells his dad he got an "F" in Arithmetic today.
"Why?" asks his dad.
"The teacher asked, 'How much is 2 x 3?' I said "6".
"But that's right," said his dad.
"Then she asked me 'How much is 3 x 2?'
"What's the f.cking difference?" asks his dad.
"That's what I said!"
Posted originally w/JPN translation on 12/2003
家族篇
キッズ・ショート・ジョーク: タマ
3歳の男の子が、お風呂で自分の睾丸を調べていた。
「ママ。これって僕の脳みそなの？」と息子。
「まだ違うわよ。」ママは答えた。
ちびジョニー、算数で'不可'を取る
学校から家に帰ってきたちびジョニー、算数で「不可」を取ったと父親に報告する。
「何でだ？」と理由を尋ねる父親にジョニーは答える。
「先生に『2×3は？』って質問されて、『6』って答えたんだよ。」
「何だ、合ってるじゃないか。」と父親。
「その後で、先生に『3×2は？』って聞かれたんだよ。」とジョニー。
「何が違うってんだよ？」と父親。
「オレもそう言ったんだよ！」とジョニー。
Ethnic
Three Points that Jesus Was...
There were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Black:
- He called everyone "brother".
- He liked Gospel.
- He couldn't get a fair trial.
But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Jewish:
- He went into His Father's business.
- He lived at home until He was 33.
- He was sure His Mother was a virgin and His mother was sure He was God.
But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Italian:
- He talked with his hands.
- He had wine with every meal.
- He used olive oil.
But the most compelling evidence of all - 3 definite PROOFS that Jesus was for sure a woman:
- He had to feed a crowd in a moment's notice when there was no food.
- He kept trying to get a message across to a bunch of men who just didn't get it.
- Even when He was dead, He had to get up because there was more work to do.
Posted originally w/JPN translation on 11/2002
エスニック篇
一体、ジーザスは？
ジーザスは黒人だとするそれぞれ同等に最もな理由が3つある:
- 皆を「兄弟」と呼んだ。
- ゴスペル好きだった。
- 公正な裁判を受けられなかった。
ただ、ジーザスはユダヤ人だとする同じ位良い根拠も3つある:
- 父親の仕事に従事した。（* The Father：天なる父＝神）
- 33歳になるまで、親の家に住んでいた。
- 母親がヴァージンであると確信していたし、母親も彼が神である事を信じてた。
ただ、ジーザスはイタリア人だとする同様に最もな意見も3つある:
- 手で大袈裟にジェスチャー付で話をした。
- 毎食、ワインを飲んだ。
- オリーブ油を使った。
ただ、全ての中で、最も説得力のあるのは、ジーザスは確実に女性だったという3つの決定的な証拠である:
- 食べ物がないと気付くとすぐに人々に食事を与えた。
- 全然分かってない男連中になんとか思いを伝えようとした。
- 死後でさえ、やる事だらけで、生き返らなければならなかった。
Blonde Jokes
So Blonde: WHO is the One in the Mirror?
Two blondes are walking down the street.
One notices a compact on the sidewalk and leans down to pick it up. She opens it, looks in the mirror and says, "Hmm, this person looks familiar."
The second blonde says, "Here, let me see!"
So the first blonde hands her the compact, and the second one looks in the mirror and says, "You silly, it's me!"
Posted originally w/JPN translation on 02/2002 Other Blonde Jokes
ブロンド篇
超ブロンド: コンパクト・ミラーに映るのは誰？
2人のブロンドが通りを歩いていた。
1人が歩道に落ちている手鏡に気付き、拾い上げ、鏡を覗いて言った。「ん～、この人、どうも見覚えあるわぁ。」
もう1人のブロンドは言う。「ホラ、私に見せてみて！」
最初のブロンドは、手鏡を手渡すと、2人目のブロンドは鏡を見つめて言った。「バカね。それ、私よ！」
Politics
Little Johnny Talks Politics
A little, Johnny, and a little girl, Jane, were sitting on the porch talking, when the little girl asked, "Hey Johnny, do you wanna get undressed? We could play Doctor."
Johnny replied, "That's too old fashioned... Spit out your gum? Let's play President!"
Posted originally w/JPN translation on 05/2003
政治篇
ちびジョニー：政治を語る
ちびジョニーと友達のジェーンは玄関先に座って遊んでいた。「ねぇ、ジョニー、洋服を脱いで、お医者さんごっこしたい？」と聞くジェーンに、ジョニーは答えた。
「そんなの古いよ。ガムを吐き出しなよ。大統領ごっこしようぜ。」
Current
Smart Women in Afghanistan
Barbara Walters of 20/20 (USA) did a story on gender roles in Kabul several years before the Afghan conflict.
She noted that women customarily walked about 5 paces behind their husbands.
She returned to Kabul recently and observed that women still walk behind their husbands, but now seem to walk even further back and are happy with the old custom.
Ms. Walters approached one of the Afghani women and asked, "Why do you now seem happy with the old custom that you used to try and change?"
"Land mines," said the woman with a grin.
MORAL: BEHIND EVERY MAN IS A SMART WOMAN
Posted originally w/JPN translation on 01/2004
時事篇
アフガニスタンの賢い女性達
「20/20」（米人気テレビ番組）のバーバラ・ウォルターが、アフガンでの紛争が始まる何年か前に、カブールでの男女の性別役割について取材をした。
彼女は、アフガンの女性達が夫の後ろを5歩下がって歩く習慣について言及した。
最近カブールに戻った彼女は、女性達がいまだ夫の後ろをついて歩いているものの、今は更に離れて歩いている様子、しかもそんな古い習慣に満足している様に見えた。
バーバラは、アフガン人女性に近付き、「昔は懸命にこの古い習慣を変えようとしていたのに、どうして今は幸せそうなの？」と訊ねた。
「地雷よ。」彼女は、ニヤッと答えた。
モラル： 全ての男性の影には賢い女性の存在あり。
Extra
Medical Warning
The AMA and NZMA have declared that the long term implications of drugs and/or medical procedures must be more fully considered.
Over the past few years, more money has been spent on breast implants and Viagra than is spent on Alzheimer's Disease research.
It is now projected that by the year 2015 there will be fifty million people wandering around with huge breasts and erections who can't remember what to do with them.
Posted originally w/JPN translation on 02/2005
番外篇
医療への警告
米国医師会とニュージーランド医師会は薬や医療処置に関する長期的な影響をもっと十分に考慮すべきだ、と語っている。
ここ何年かの間に、多額のお金が豊胸手術とバイアグラに使われ、その額はアルツハイマー病に関する研究費よりも大きいのだ。
2015年までには、巨大なおっぱいと勃起したペニスをぶら下げた5,000万人もの人々が、それで何をしたら良いのかも思い出せず、フラフラうろつく事が予想される。
More Blonde Jokes | 更なるブロンド・ジョーク
Joke de English: Best Blonde Comp. 69
ジョーク de 英語 ベスト・ブロンド・ジョーク集 69点
ハリウッド映画業界から送られてきた厳選ブロンド・英語ジョーク。英語ブロンド・ジョーク69点に日本語訳を語彙レッスン、解説と共にまとめたeBook。(28ページ)
Blonde Jokes in eBook
That's because it's right there.
Two blondes sit on a park bench at night.
One looks up and says, "What's closer, the Moon or Florida?"
The other one looks over and says, "Duh, can you see Florida?" 🌙 👈 🙂
Posted originally w/JPN translation on 02/2002
eBookに含まれるブロンド・ジョーク
Q: How do you confuse a blonde?
A: Just put her in a round room and tell her to sit in the corner. 😃
Q: How does a blonde confuse you?
A: She finds a corner. 😧
English Basic Jokes | 英語のベーシック・ジョーク
Joke de English: Best Basic Comp. 101
ジョーク de 英語 ベスト・ベーシック・ジョーク集 101
ベーシック・ジョークは、古くからある英語ジョークのフォーマットで、巷で出回っているジョークです。英語自体は、英会話初級者の方でもお楽し頂けるものです。
基本的なジョークのフォーマットの解説と共に、ありがちなジョークの中から厳選したベーシック・ジョークを日本語訳、語彙レッスンと共にまとめたeBook。
eBookに含まれるベーシック・ジョーク （eBookからの抜粋英語ジョークとeBookのジョーク数。）
:: Comp. 101-01 (16ページ 37点ジョーク) ::
| 弁護士ジョーク x 13 | Professional Jokes / 職業別ジョーク （フットボール・プレイヤー x1 | 飛行機機内にて x3 | お医者さん x8 | メイド x 1) | You Fool Jokes / バカだね・ジョーク x11
:: Comp. 101-02 (24ページ 51点ジョーク) ::
| ショートジョーク x 15 | 男女関係ジョーク x 4 | 結婚ジョーク x6 | 死が2人を分かつまで x6 | エスニック x4 | 子供/家族ジョーク x 13) | ちびジョニー・ジョーク x 3
Lawyer Jokes in eBook
Lawyer's Bad Reputation
The trouble with the legal profession is that
98% of its members give the rest a very bad name.
eBookに含まれる弁護士ジョーク
Which Lawyer Jokes are?
Q: Do you know how many lawyer jokes there really are in the world?
A: Only Three. The rest are true stories.
Professional Jokes in eBook
In-flight Announcement: Flight Attendant
"Attention please! When you get off this plane, please be sure to lower your head and watch your step.
If you fail to do so, please lower your voice and watch your language. Thank you."
eBookに含まれる職業別ジョーク
Awfully Bad News: When Doctor tells you
Doctor: I’m afraid I have some very bad news. You’re dying, and you don’t have much time left.
Patient: Oh, that’s terrible. How long have I got?
Doctor: Ten.
Patient: Ten? Then what? Years? Months? Weeks? What?
Doctor: Eight, seven, six.. 😔
You Fool Jokes in eBook | eBookに含まれるバカだね・ジョーク
A big No-No
Never, ever, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
Short Jokes in eBook | eBookに含まれるショート・ジョーク
Backseat Safety
Children in backseats without safety cause accidents.
Accidents in backseats without safety cause children.
Marriage Jokes in eBook
A Matter of CSI
Three weeks after the wedding day, Joanna called her minister.
"Reverend," she wailed, "John and I had a DREADFUL fight last night! I don't know what to do!"
"Calm down, my child," said the Reverend, "it's not half as bad as you think. Every marriage has to have its first fight..."
"I know, I know!" cried Joanna. "But what am I going to do with the BODY?!?"
eBookに含まれる結婚ジョーク
A man died and his wife phoned the newspaper to place an obituary.
She called the obituary department and said, "This is what I want to print: 'Bernie is dead.'"
The man at the newspaper said, "But for $25 you are allowed to print six words."
So the woman answered, "Ou, oK, then print this:
'Bernie is dead. Toyota for sale.'"
Ethnic Jokes in eBook | eBookに含まれるエスニック・ジョーク
3 men (Italian, Irish and Polish): Deserted Island
There are 3 men stranded on a deserted island.
One is Italian, one is Irish and the other Polish. They've been on the Island for about six months, have developed a great rapport with one another and become the best of friends.
One day they are searching the shore for a sign of passing boats when they come across a bottle. When the Italian rubs the bottle, a genie comes out.
The genie thanks the three men and says, "I will grant you three wishes, but it can only be one wish each and I am so tired of being in the bottle for so long, I might need a couple of weeks of break between wishes".
So the Italian says, "I wish I was back in Rome eating a margarita pizza."
- POOF!!! he is back in Rome like he wished.
A couple of weeks later the Genie says, "Ok," to the Irishman, "What is YOUR wish?"
The Irishman replies, "I wish I was back in Dublin at Murphy's pub with a pint of lager."
- POOF!!! He gets his wish.
A couple of more weeks go by and the Genie tells the Polish person that it is HIS turn.
The Polish person says, "Gee, I don't know what to do. But I really miss those guys. They would have helped me decide what I want to do. Ahh, I so WISH they WERE here!!!
Family Jokes in eBook | eBookに含まれる家族・ジョーク
Walk, Talk, and..
With children, you spend the first 2 years of their life teaching them to walk and talk.
Then you spend the next 16 years, telling them to sit down and shut up!
Must Go
A father buys “a lie detector robot” that slaps people when they lie. He decides to test it out at dinner one night.
The father asks his son what he did that afternoon. The son says, "I did some homework." The robot slaps the son. The son says, "Ok, Ok, I was at a friend's house watching movies.”
Dad asks, "What movie did you watch?" Son says, "Toy Story." The robot slaps the son. Son says, “Fineee, we were watching porn."
Dad says, "What? At your age I didn't even know what porn was." The robot slaps the father.
Mom laughs and says, "Well, he certainly is your son."
The robot slaps the mother.
- ROBOT FOR SALE! 🤖 😐
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